A Large Amount of Confusion
by MaleaBotor
Summary: This really isn't THAT confusing, it's only as confusing as crossovers usually are. But seriously, I have all kinds of variety in here. Diana Wynne Jones, Patricia C Wrede, C S Lewis, Back to the Future, Tamora Pierce and Monty Python.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at using this feature on so please be lenient.

My disclaimer is fairly easy. I own no-one in this fanfic. I have no imagination. Thank you for listening to my sob story and mainly frequent self pity.

Oh wait, and just to warn you, I will be giving away substantial bits of the storyline of each of these stories. But, I mean, that's only to be expected. This is a fanfiction, crossover or no, and in order to write a fanfiction, one must have a basic grasp of the characters, which usually includes having read the book(s).

Whoops, there I go, off on a tangent.

xxxxxxx

A Large Amount of Confusion

xxxxxxx

Chapter 1

_In which I use an annoyingly typical template for chapter titles_

**xxxxxxx**

"Damnation," muttered Merlin, "I have made a grave mistake. My spell has gone terribly wrong." Looking around at the mess he had made, he uttered an oath. Suddenly…

"Bloody hell!" He put both hands over his mouth.

"What on earth possessed me to say that?" he wondered. Out of nowhere stepped Rupert Grint.

"Oi," he said, lunging at Merlin, "That's my catchphrase."

"And so it begins," said Merlin sadly as Rupert began to jump on his head.

**xxxxxxx**

In an entirely different world, Doc Brown was putting the final touches on the revised time machine that would bring Marty back to the 80's. Stopping to look at what he considered to be his most exceptional work yet (or to be?), he had a sudden revelation.

"Great Scott!" He rushed to Marty.

"Marty!" he yelled shakily, "There is something catastrophic going down in the space/time continuum! If we do not stop the events making these changes," he screamed, working himself up into a frenzy, "It could result in something..." He began to burble at a loss for words.

"DEEPLY CATASTROPHIC!" he managed to finish.

"Whoa Doc," gasped Marty, "that's pretty heavy." For a moment, he considered asking the Doc how he knew that but decided against it. With the Doc, it was better just to go with the flow. Doc Brown made a few adjustments to the time-travelling car with a screwdriver.

"The Delorean will now travel through space _and _time," the Doc explained as he hustled Marty into the car, switched it into gear, and drove it right through the wall of his garage. He drove it down the road, gradually picking up speed as Marty, at a loss for words tried to gesture something to the Doc in a complicated sort of sign language as he babbled feebly.

"Alright Marty," said the Doc, "brace yourself. We have almost reached 88 miles per hour."

"B-but Doc," sputtered Marty, "it needs 1.21 gigawatts. How are we going to get that kind of energy? The lightning storm isn't until Saturday night." The Doc took a deep breath and looked crestfallen.

"Damn," he said, "damn, damn, damn, damn, damn." Suddenly, just as they reached 88 miles per hour, a lightning bolt came down and struck the metal wire that lead directly to the car's flux capacitor. The car began to create sparks, forming a portal that the car flashed through.

"Nice aim, Zeus," said Thor approvingly.

**xxxxxxx**

Cimorene was very confused. One moment ago, she had been walking through the Enchanted Forest, trying to find Morwen and Telemain's house, and now she found herself standing under a lamppost, surrounded by snow and forest. Looking around, she saw two impeccably dressed men standing behind her, watching her. One had dark hair and was looking at her with a vague, dreamy sort of look, and the other had hair that was an improbable shade of blond and had a rather shocked look on, which he quickly changed to a courteous but slightly twisted smile.

"I was wondering when the next one would arrive," he remarked. Cimorene looked intently at them. She felt certain that these two men had brought her to this strange place. She was especially convinced by the blond one; he looked extremely dishonest. But if they had brought her here for seemingly malicious intent then...

"Arglefraster!" she said quickly, pointing at them. The two men were drenched by a flood of soapy water with lemon juice. Nevertheless, they didn't melt. The blond one let out a cry of anguish and started wringing out his suit, screaming something Cimorene couldn't understand. The other only looked less vague.

"May I inquire why you did that?" he said. Embarrassed, Cimorene decided that the best thing to do would be to be polite.

"I'm very sorry," she said. By now, the blond man had discovered that what she had drenched him with was only soapy water and had stopped shrieking but was still trying to dry off his suit.

"I thought," she continued, "you were wizards." The blond man abruptly began to laugh.

"You..._thought_...we...were...wizards?" he managed to blurt out as he laughed.

"Perhaps I had better explain," said the dark haired one, "I am Chrestomanci and that gentleman over there is Howl. We are both wizards although I am more specifically an enchanter." Cimorene glared at Howl whose incessant laughing was beginning to get on her nerves. He stopped quickly when he saw look on her face. She turned back to Chrestomanci.

"Explain." she said, annoyed.

Chrestomanci and Howl didn't seem to know much about their current situation. The only thing she managed to find out was that they were an entirely type of wizard from what she was used to. From what she could tell, Howl, though called a wizard, was more like a magician and Chrestomanci's magic was much the same but slightly more like a fire witch's.

"We really have no idea what happened," said Howl, "I was in my house when I suddenly found myself here. Chrestomanci arrived soon afterward." He suddenly tensed. "Someone's coming," he hissed, starting to gabble something. Chrestomanci strode toward the forest and disappeared.

"Now look here," said Cimorene, "you two just can't vanish and leave me to find out, HEY!" Howl had just disappeared.

"Why do I always end up having to do everything myself." She stood her ground and waited, holding her breath. Out of the woods in front of her walked a strange creature. From the waist up he was a man with curly hair and horns but from the waist down he had the hindquarters of a goat. He was holding an umbrella and had his tail draped over his arm. He stopped, startled, then asked, "Are you a Daughter of Eve?"

"Sorry, a what?" Cimorene said.

"A Daughter of Eve."

"I don't…think so." Sleigh bells sounded far off in the distance.

"The Queen," whispered the creature, "If she finds me talking to you she'll have my horns."

"But wait, what, who…?" The creature fled into the forest. As the sound of the bells grew louder, Howl and Chrestomanci reappeared.

"Why didn't either of you stop to help me," Cimorene said forcefully.

"You seemed quite capable of taking care of the situation yourself," said Chrestomanci. Howl was looking puzzled.

"Strange," he murmured, "That must have been Mr. Tumnus." He began to walk toward the sound of the bells.

"And the lamppost…" Cimorene looked at Chrestomanci who shrugged and began to follow Howl. After a moment, Cimorene followed. They followed Howl out of the forest and toward the bells. When they caught up with Howl, he was staring at a sled that had arrived on the snowy plains. The sled was drawn by a white reindeer and was driven by a dwarf. But it was the lady riding in the sled that had obviously caught Howl's interest. She was dressed in white furs and had a very white face and blood red lips. She had beautiful eyes, which were nevertheless very cruel. Howl's smile snapped on and he bowed elegantly. The cruel lady smiled coldly.

"I am the queen of this land. I have been searching for one such as you. Will you come with me." The last statement was more of a demand than a question.

"How could I refuse such a beautiful lady," Howl said gallantly. He climbed into the sled and as the dwarf cracked his whip, the sled began to move. Howl turned around and smiled wickedly at Cimorene and Chrestomanci before the sled was too far away. Cimorene glared at the retreating sled.

"What possessed him to do that?" she muttered.

"I believe he liked her," said Chrestomanci mildly.

"No," said Cimorene, "he was only flirting. And that would be fine, except that that woman looked exceptionally evil and Howl will probably do something silly." She sighed.

"I suppose we'll have to go after him."

"Yes we probably should," said Chrestomanci. They trudged off through the snow, following the sled tracks.

**xxxxxxx**

Hooray! If you've read this far without giving up in confusion, you are either very well read or just plain crazy.

I am not going to say anything so stupid as 'You see the little purple button? Well press it and…' or anything of that nature. I will simply state that it might be nice to have maybe one review.

No, but seriously, if you would like to criticise my character assessments you can do so… in a review…

(HINT HINT!!!!!!!!!)


	2. Chapter 2

Hooray!!! I got reviews!!! Thank you!!!! I'm using a lot of exclamation marks!!!

MaidM: I'll continue the started plots later. It's just that there are so many characters I like.

LadySmith: Chrestomanci and Howl are both from Diana Wynne Jones books. The books they are from are self-evident. You must read them because Chrestomanci is really cool and I LOVE Howl. Diana Wynne Jones is an amazing writer. Oh and though I am quite impressed to hear that you knew almost all the characters in my last chapter, I bet you don't know all of them in this one. I BET YOU!

GIMME MORE REVIEWS!!! Please? They make me feel all warm and bubbly.

YAY!!! I have lost all self control and still own nothing. Jolly good!!! Jeeves and Wooster forever!!!

xxxxxxx

Chapter 2

_In which there is a lot of Python and randomness and the words suddenly and confused are used quite a bit._

**xxxxxxx**

Stirring groggily, Numair woke up. He stood up and stretched, blinking from the green light filtering through the trees. Trees?

"But I went to sleep in my chambers," thought Numair. He walked a bit. He looked around and was slightly confused to see that he wasn't going anywhere. After walking for a while, Numair found that this was due to the fact that the ground was moving against him. Surprised by this, he entirely woke up and became instantly confused by his surroundings. The trees had leaves and were almost normal except for the fact the tree trunks were flashing words at him.

"BUY SPAM" flashed one. Numair stared.

"IT'S REALLY GOOD" blinked the same tree. Numair stared. He walked around the tree, trying to see what was causing the tree to do this. It looked like a perfectly normal tree. Unconvinced, he brought his magic to sparkle at his fingertips, expelling it to encompass the tree. There was a bit of an explosion, blowing Numair to his back. When he managed to scramble to his feet, he was astonished to find nothing had changed. After a few seconds the tree gleamed again, almost sulkily.

"ALRIGHT, I LIED ABOUT IT BEING GOOD BUT YOU BETTER BLOODY WELL BUY SOME." There was an undertone of menace in the way the tree shut off its light and Numair couldn't resist saying, "Or what?"

The tree's leaves rustled testily.

Suddenly a large horde of Vikings appeared, floating in the sky. Numair wondered how he knew they were called Vikings but quickly forgot to wonder anything further.

"SPAM," the Vikings sang in harmony as they all simultaneously disappeared. In their place appeared a large heap of a pink shiny substance, which promptly landed on Numair with a loud, 'SQUIDGE'. As he was immersed entirely in the stuff, he couldn't see a thing. Remembering what had happened when he used his magic the last time, he began to claw his way upward. When he managed to escape, he was quite puzzled to find himself in a sort of portal. The pink stuff floated slowly away. With a blinding flash, he found himself standing in a large, extravagantly decorated ballroom. A young woman walked toward him, one that looked like his ideal woman, that is, what his ideal woman used to look like before he met Daine. Coming closer, she smiled and said smoothly,

"Hello Numair," Numair couldn't understand. How did she know his name? Nevertheless, he bowed politely, wincing when she suddenly squealed piercingly.

"Omigod," she screamed, "You're even sexier than I thought you would be,"

"Pardon?" said Numair, slightly disturbed. This only caused her to squeal again. Numair waited patiently for her to calm down.

"Excuse me but could you please explain what I'm doing here?"

"I'm Mary-Sue," she said, panting a bit, "and I brought you here,"

"What for?" Numair asked her. She fluttered her eyelashes.

"So that you'll fall in love with me and that will lead to...other things." Numair became very uncomfortable and blushed. He might have considered it if he hadn't ever met Daine, but he had. He supposed he was ruined for other women. He thought over what she had said and decided to react angrily in order to overcome his growing embarrassment of even thinking of accepting her offer. In fact, he had better react soon before all the blood in his body rushed to his face.

"What are you trying to insinuate?" he said indignantly, glaring at her. This made him feel better, but he had a feeling he should have been nicer. After all, it was not her fault she liked him.

"I'm sorry," he said, in a desperate attempt to get rid of her politely, "I am already pledged to another lady."

"Oh. Daine," she said indifferently, shocking Numair yet again. She looked dismayed for a moment, then smiled.

"Well you never actually pledged yourself to her _legally_ so you can forget about her." Numair couldn't understand. How did this woman know so much about him? He decided to question her.

"How is it that you know everything about me?" The woman smiled piercingly.

"You're a book character, silly. I've read all about you." Numair staggered backwards. He was a BOOK CHARACTER? No, it simply couldn't be. But what if he was? What if his personality and all his choices, his entire life was determined by one person writing a book. Free to their whims and fancies. With no free will of his own… No. He knew he had free will. He could tell. But then again, what if even his free will was determined by this person? Numair's brain was beginning to hurt. This was the most frightening thing he had ever had to contemplate, and no matter what he thought of, he always came up against a dead end.

However, he didn't have much time to contemplate this, for the woman had begun to advance on him with an almost hungry look on her face. He backed up until he was against a wall. He wondered whether to fight back and then wondered if the writer was _making_ him wonder. Numair, almost giving up in despair, suddenly realised that he was a mage. He was, however, reluctant to use magic after what it had resulted in the last time. As Mary-Sue triumphantly closed in on him, he realised he had no choice. But he hesitated for a moment. Was it worth it, seeing as he had just discovered that he was… not real? He gritted his teeth and decided to use his magic anyways. Besides, it would be awkward enough for him whether he was real or not. Black fire sparked from his hands, enveloping the woman and he wondered if he was real or if the woman had been lying. The resulting explosion bashed Numair's head against the wall and he slumped onto the floor. As the last scraps of his mind slid away, he realised, with some surprise, that he didn't care.

When he came to, he found himself back in the strange forest. This time, things kept flickering and changing. The trees would sporadically spring up to be incredibly tall then shrink down to little bushes. Numair kept getting hit on the head with quickly descending branches.

"May I help you sir?" said Jeeves, appearing beside Numair.

"Erm," said Numair, greatly distracted due to the fact that a carnivorous duck was gradually devouring his arm.

"Very good sir," said Jeeves and promptly disappeared. While looking at the duck who had by now gnawed its way up to his elbow, Numair wondered how he knew the man's name was Jeeves. He decided it was because of the giant sign that had hovered over the man, stating, in flashing letters, 'JEEVES'. A man with a crown galloped through the forest.

"Come along Patsy!" said the man, dodging a descending tree. Out of the forest behind him came another man with a large pack, banging two coconut halves together. They vanished into the forest.

Numair decided to get out of the forest as he was a little tired of getting hit on the head by trees. He started to walk. This time, the ground didn't move against him and he managed to escape the forest quite quickly. After a while, Numair came to a castle. He could see a man standing on the battlements.

"Hello sir, could you please tell me where I am?"

"Go away you smelly man with an arm that resembles a cheese," said the man in a rather silly French accent. Startled for a moment, Numair tried again.

"Listen, I just want to know where I am and if you could please..."

"I throw my auntie's tea set at you, you bouncy frog," interrupted the French man. Angry, Numair flung a spell at him. The French guy ducked and laughed, loudly and annoyingly. He remained out of sight. Numair paced, muttering angrily.

Suddenly there was a loud 'SPROING' and a cow flew over the walls, landing right beside Numair.

"RUN AWAY!" screamed a voice from nowhere. Numair threw another spell at the castle. The resulting backshock knocked him off his feet. He decided to take the strange voice's advice.

He ran, dodging sheep and random poultry as they fell around him. The French guy came up again with a few of his friends and they began to laugh and hoot. Seething, Numair stopped running and salvaging the remnants of his pride, walked into the forest again.

Suddenly, the castles and the trees disappeared, leaving Numair in a large meadow. A door appeared in the middle of the field. It opened. A little boy stepped out who had blond hair, blue eyes, and looked to be about four years old. He looked at Numair with an intelligent, calculating look in his eyes then seemed to decide something.

"Alright," he said in a clear voice, "I can trust you." He gave a small smile. "I'm Charles Wallace Murphy and I come from a different world."

"I'm Numair Salmalin," said Numair, slightly taken aback by the child, "nice to meet you Charles."

"Charles Wallace, please," said Charles Wallace. This time he grinned.

"Do you realise there's a duck on your arm?"

**xxxxxxx**

The Enchanted Forest was unusually quiet. The forest was waiting for something. Suddenly, with a bang and a flash of light, the Delorian skidded into a clearing. The doors slowly opened and Doc Brown cautiously clambered out of the machine and looked around. He wandered up to a tree and poked it. A look of pure excitement spread over his face.

"Marty!" he yelled hoarsely, "you can come out, it's all right. We have safely travelled through the space/time fabric and we are now in a different dimension. Marty almost fell his way out of the car. He hopped to catch his balance.

"Whoa Doc," Marty said carefully, "Are you telling me we're in a different world!?" He was almost shouting.

"Another world, another galaxy, another universe..." said the Doc, "Anything you want to call it." He looked around him.

"I can't believe it, IT WORKED!" he yelled. He sat down abruptly, a look of awe on his face.

"Jesus Christ!" said Marty, stunned. The Doc got suddenly to his feet.

"Come Marty," he said, "we don't have time to sit around. The fate of the world is in our hands." He began to walk away from the Delorian into the forest.

"Hey! Wait! Doc!" yelled Marty. The Doc turned around.

"Listen Marty," he said seriously, "We need to hurry; we don't have much time." He turned around again.

"I know," said Marty desperately, "but we don't know where we are. If we walk off now, we'll get lost and lose the Delorian and we'll never get back." The Doc stopped and turned around, a look of horror on his face.

"Great Scott, you're right!" He looked around wildly and, across a field of blue catnip, saw a white picket fence surrounding a garden. There was a green apple tree with fruit on one side of a gate in the fence and a blooming lilac bush on the other. Further into the property was a little grey house with a red roof. Doc Brown began to walk down the hill toward the house, brushing the catnip aside.

"Um, Doc, what are you doing?" said Marty.

"I'm going to ask the inhabitants of that house for our whereabouts," said the Doc. He was now halfway down the hill. Marty faltered, then ran after him. The Doc walked up to the gate and opened it. Marty caught up.

"Hey Doc, there's a few things I don't understand. How do you know there's something wrong with the space/time continuum?" The Doc strode up the path, startling a black and white cat, which yowled and glared at the Doc. Marty watched in interest as the cat padded regally up to the house, leapt onto the windowsill, and disappeared inside.

"It's an instinct," said the Doc. He had reached the back step of the house.

"And how did you know how to change the Delorian so that it could travel through space?" said Marty, walking to the door. Doc Brown paused before he knocked on the door and frowned.

"I'm not---quite---sure. It was like a...sudden explosion of scientific discovery, I just...knew..."

Suddenly, the door opened. A middle-aged, rather short woman wearing all black was standing in the doorway. She had ginger hair, which was pulled back behind her head in a bun and was wearing glasses with rectangular lenses. She looked slightly surprised and turned to the black and white cat standing next to her.

"Are _these_ the two dangerous attackers you warned me about?"

"Mrow," yowled the cat indignantly, "mrow yow." The woman looked at Marty and Doc Brown then turned back to the cat.

"I highly doubt they attacked you with cudgels. I'm guessing that all that happened was you were woken up and were cranky enough to come and complain to me." The cat growled quietly, then sauntered off around the side of the house. The woman faced the two time travellers.

"Don't mind Quiz," she said, "It's just that he hates being woken up in the middle of his naps." She suddenly looked at them sharply.

"Are you selling anything?" she asked carefully, "Because if you are, I'd appreciate if you'd leave now without a fuss." Doc Brown recovered from the shock of the woman's one-sided conversation with her cat.

"Uh...no!" We are on a mission of utmost importance to the universe. I was hoping you could help us. You see, we need to continue toward the source of the disturbance in the space/time continuum. The Delorian has been modified to close in on that source but the flux capacitor needs energy to work, a large amount of electrical energy." The Doc rambled on while the woman looked faintly startled.

"I'm having a hard time understanding a thing he's saying." She looked at the babbling man in front of her.

"This is definitely a case for Telemain."

"Telemain?" asked Marty.

"My husband. You'd better come inside." Hearing this, the Doc stopped gibbering.

"Thank you Mrs..."

"My name is Morwen," said the woman as she walked into her house, "I find the practice of calling people by their last names to be extremely silly."

They followed her inside.

**xxxxxxx**

Okay, I've finally finished typing up another chapter. Maybe now I'll get more reviews. Please? They make me so happy. Oh yes, and please tell me if I have made any glaring spelling or grammatical errors. I hate it when storeis lok lik these. It's really hard to read and quite annoying too.

Power to the Beta Readers!


	3. Chapter 3

Look, I've updated! Aren't I special! Sorry about the delay. I was, occupied. No, what am I saying. I was just too lazy to type up my story. Now, disclaimer. I haven't got a single original character in here. I have created several different worlds. But they're not included.

Hullo all, and by all I mean two. Because two is the basic number I know is following this fic. Only two. Not to say I'm not incredibly happy about just that because it's so much better to have two than zero. Thanks you guys! And also, I'm sorry to have taken so long on this. I just wasn't looking forward to typing it because I hate typing though I do tend to babble on at the start. Plus, I am the WORST procrastinator. And it's summer vacation. My brain doesn't want to work. Well, enough with the excuses. First, a word to my two faithful reviewers.

MaidM: Krepuscular!

LadySmith: What do you mean my insults weren't wacky enough, you drooling two-nosed weasel-fish!? No, but seriously, I know. I cannot measure up to the wonderful standards of the Monty Python Group. I'll try and fix them when I edit the stories later. I do that a lot, you know. I just can't work myself up to post them. Thank you for the complement on Morwen. And I did not spell it wrong, the character is actually called Daine. Numair and Daine are from Tamora Pierce's books, mainly in The Immortals series. Again, I will be counting on you to recognise the characters in this chapter though I doubt you will. Quite strongly, in fact.

I have also decided that due to the incredibly large amount of Tamora Pierce characters, I will be using a certain time frame. It will be three months after the last book of The Immortals series. Sorry. I love Kel as well, but I can't use all of them, and I don't know her and her friends as well anyway.

I also would like to add a few more things I love but will likely not be able to put into the fanfiction. I love, even am obsessed with all of Joss Whedon's stuff, thanks to MaidM, but I don't think I'd be able to pull off a fanfiction including them. Especially since MaidM has practically memorised the episodes. And I know that you, MaidM, suggested I put Angel and Spike in, but I'm afraid I can't manage it. Whoof. That sounded lofty. In other, less self-absorbed words, I stink at writing their characters.

Meh.

xxxxxxx

**Chapter 3**

_Cornobble!_

**xxxxxxxx**

One warning. Most of the story bits in this fanfiction will give away important bits of stories. This chapter especially. This is a REAL chapter for giving away things. More than just bits of storyline. Big, honkin' CHUNKS of storyline are given away here. If you're worried about that, I will include a detailed list of the stories I am currently giving story lines away for at the end of this chapter. Thank you.

**xxxxxxxx**

Alanna rode Darkmoon through the Great Southern Desert. She had travelled there partially for a visit with the Bloody Hawk, her Bazhir tribe, but also because George was there on spy work. Darkmoon was acting particularly playful today, and pranced wildly, bouncing her around. Her rear was getting bruised and she was fed up.

"Stop doing that, you silly horse," she hissed through gritted teeth. Darkmoon whinnied joyfully and reared, suddenly and unexpectedly. For the first time in eight years, Alanna was caught off guard. She slid backwards and tumbled, bringing her arms out to stop her fall. The piercing hot sun dimmed and became dim and green. She clambered to her feet and looked around her. She was on a path surrounded by a forest on each side. Another woman with copper hair trimmed to just below her ears stumbled onto the path beside her, clutching a potted plant, of a kind Alanna didn't recognise. She turned to Alanna.

"Did you bring me here?" she said dryly, "Because if you did, I need to get back to my work." Alanna's temper flared.

"No!" she retorted, "Why are you accusing me?" The other woman stood up.

"Because you were the only other person here, I suppose." Alanna stood up and started to walk along the path.

"Are you trying to get anywhere in particular?" asked the woman. Alanna continued walking.

"Well, as it's a path, it should probably lead somewhere, so I'm trying to get to wherever that somewhere is." The other woman shrugged and followed Alanna.

"I don't have a better idea, so..." They walked down the path in silence.

They walked some more. Eventually, they heard shouting up ahead of them. Walking a bit further, they came to a clearing. In the clearing was a strange assortment of five people. One man was standing off to the side, looking worried. He had a pointed beard and mustache and brown hair that extended to below his ears. Another man was right in the middle of the argument, yelling loudly. He was wearing ridiculously large boots and a green hooded cape that billowed whenever he moved. There was a very large man standing behind all of them, grinning. He was at least 7 feet tall and his head was too small for the rest of his body. A young boy who looked about 13 was yelling back at the man in the cape. He had light brown hair and a fringe, which he had pushed out of his eyes in order to glare more effectively at the others. Adding to the noise was a little girl who looked like she was eight. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. The worried man kept trying to calm her down. For a while, he succeeded and Alanna could hear words through the noise.

"I had nothing to do with this!" yelled the elaborately dressed man, "Why are you blaming me? I knew as much about this as you!"

"Had time to put on your adventurer's outfit," remarked the large man. The caped man looked slightly embarrassed.

"All right," he said, "I had a slight foreshadowing. But I didn't have enough time to reverse whatever was bringing us here."

"But you had enough time to change your CLOTHES!?" yelled the boy.

""Well…" The boy sighed in disgust.

"Alright, we've already established that none of us did it," he said.

"Maybe it was someone who was trying to transfer all wizards in our area to this place," said the caped man.

"Then how is Awful here?" said the boy.

"Maybe I'm a wizard," said the little girl—Awful, hopefully.

"No you're not," said the boy.

"I shall scream," said Awful sulkily.

"If you do, I'll turn you into a frog," said the caped man.

"I'd like that," said Awful.

"No you wouldn't, I'd squish you." Awful's face scrunched up.

"I don't like anyone except Hathaway."

"Why Hathaway?" said the caped man.

"Because he doesn't threaten to squish me," said Awful, hugging the worried man. The boy turned back to the caped man.

"Torquil, the fact still remains that you have to change your clothes. You'll attract too much attention."

"And Erskine won't!?" They all turned to look at the tall man behind them. He grinned wider.

"Can't help it," he said.

"He's not Erskine, he's the Gooooon!" Awful shouted. The caped man looked annoyed.

"She's **your** sister, Venturus, DO something about her."

"And he's not Venturus, he's Hoowward!"

"Quiet Awful!"

"No!"

"I'll tell them what your real name is!"

"I don't care!" Awful began to scream again. All of the others winced and clutched their heads. Alanna also winced, and thought how very accurate the little girl's name was. She couldn't remember any of _her_ children ever being that loud. Well, maybe Alianne. Alanna decided that this would be a good time to intervene. The child's screaming was beginning to get on her nerves. She walked forward into the clearing and stood, her hands on her hips, waiting for someone to notice her. The boy gasped and tried to say something but it was unheard over Awful's din. He scowled and took a deep breath.

"SHUT UP AWFUL!" he bellowed. Awful, in shock, stopped screaming and sat down abruptly. Alanna took the opportunity to speak.

"Hello. I couldn't help but overhear that you're in the same situation as I am and I thought that maybe we…"

"What am I, a weed?" interrupted the other woman, coming up behind Alanna, "I've also been transported here. My name is Rosethorn."

"And mine is Alanna," said Alanna, slightly annoyed by the other woman's attitude. The boy was the first to react.

"My name is Venturus…"

"**Howard**!" Awful protested.

"…but I do prefer to be called Howard. The one in the ridiculous clothing is Torquil…"

"It's not ridiculous," complained Torquil.

"…and the large one behind me is Erskine."

"Goon!"

"Shut UP Awful!"

"I won't! You're being mean and forgetting Hathaway!"

"Well if you'd just…"

"No!" Awful turned and looked solemnly at Alanna and Rosethorn.

"That man over there is Hathaway and he's the only nice one." Howard sighed in relief, probably because Awful hadn't started screaming again.

"We are wizards from the planet Earth. We're all brothers, except Awful, obviously, who's my foster sister. Now that we all know each other…" He turned to Torquil.

"How about a compromise? If shrink your boots down to normal size, I'll let you keep the cape." Torquil looked sadly at his boots, then with a gesture, shrunk them down to normal size.

"Shall I shrink Erskine down too?" he said bitterly.

"Better not," said Erskine. Torquil stuck out his tongue at Erskine, to the obvious delight of Awful. Then, with a billowing movement, he pulled the hood of his cape onto his head.

"Now, let's keep walking and see if we get somewhere," said Howard.

"Thank you, Howard. I was hoping someone would say that," said Hathaway. He had a strange accent.

"You know as well as I that his name is Venturus," said Torquil patronisingly.

"Really, Torquil, you're as bad as Awful," said Howard, "Let's go." The group of brothers plus foster sister walked off, along with Alanna and Rosethorn.

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Jack Sparrow felt a strong jolt under his feet. He immediately ran to the prow of his ship and looked over the side to check if she had run into something. No, it was fine. But the water seemed to be turning…purple. Jack turned around again and surveyed his surroundings. Not only was the water purple, if water was what it was, the sky was filled with green clouds. In addition, his entire crew seemed to have disappeared.

"I quite like the new colour scheme," he said, striding across the deck.

Suddenly, Commodore Norrington appeared on the deck, staggering slightly. He looked around and spotted Jack.

"You?!"

"Me!" agreed Jack.

"I let you escape last time for the sake of Elizabeth, but my honour will not allow you to get away this time."

"The sake of Elizabeth? And all this time I thought it was because of me," said Jack, fluttering his eyelashes. Norrington gave Jack an annoyed look. He assumed a threatening stance.

"Jack Sparrow, you are under arrest." Jack swaggered.

"Oh good, I'll remember that for later. Now will ye get off my ship?!" Norrington clenched his teeth.

"Very well. You will not listen to simple orders. Therefore, I propose a duel to the death." Jack looked intently at the Commodore.

"You're proposin' a duel."

"Yes."

"To the death."

"Yes."

"Well, I don't accept the proposal. So if ye could just push yourself over the side…

"No," said Commodore Norrington, stoney-faced, "Prepare to duel." He reached into his scabbard and pulled out a very small perch..

"I shall…" he began, looking at his fish and gasping. He quickly composed himself.

"…er, cornobble you."

"Cornobble?"

"It means to hit with a fish." Jack considered this.

"It's a good word," Jack concluded. Norrington looked relieved and tried to cover up his embarrassment quickly.

"Right! So… prepare to duel." Jack checked his belt. There was no scabbard at all, simply a large trout. After a moment of contemplation, he pulled it out and whacked the Commodore with it. Norrington lost his balance and toppled overboard. Jack walked to the edge of his ship and looked over the side. Norrington was treading water and gasping.

"Commodore," said Jack, as he leaned on the railing, "You will always remember this as the day you _almost_ cornobbled Captain Jack Sparrow." As he turned to walk away, the ship gave a particularly violent jolt. He stumbled, tripped, and tumbled over the side.

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Walking through the door, Doc Brown and Marty entered into a large airy room filled with cats. The walls were painted a pale, silvery gray and a cupboard and an iron stove were on the far wall. There was a large table surrounded by chairs in the centre of the room. A banging noise was coming from behind a seemingly useless door, as it was right beside them and wasn't visible on the outside wall. They stood rather uselessly in the doorway as Morwen walked over to her cupboard and rummaged through it. Turning around with a jug and some cups in her hands, she noticed the Doc and Marty.

"Sit down," she said peevishly, "or at least shut the door." They closed the door and sat, as Morwen placed the cups on the table and poured something from the jug into each of them.

"It's cider," she said, noticing them watching her, "I've given up asking if guests want anything else because they never do." She walked over to the useless door and banged on it.

"Are you finished with that yet, Telemain?" she said, "Because I need your help." To the surprise of Doc Brown and Marty, a voice came from behind the door.

"I have, so far, only set up the preliminary enchantments which are extremely delicate, and I've only just started to structure the…"

"I realise that," Morwen interrupted, "What I need to know is; will it hold long enough for you to come through?"

"With constant use the base will disintegrate and…"

"Telemain!"

"Yes," said the voice sulkily.

"Well then come here, I need you."

"I'm very busy right now."

"It's very important."

"So is this." Morwen sighed in exasperation.

"You may make an important magical discovery." There was the sound of a scuffle and the door opened.

"What kind of important magical discovery?" An average sized man stood in the impossible doorway. His open, knee-length black vest was covered in pockets that had various unrecognisable objects draping out of them. He had bright blue eyes, black hair, and a neatly trimmed beard and mustache. As he looked around, his face took on an annoyed look.

"Did you interrupt me from important magical structuring to sip cider with your friends?" Morwen glared at Telemain.

"Would I have mentioned an important magical discovery if there wasn't one? These two say they're on some sort of universe-saving mission and I need your help understanding his jargon."

"I still don't see what this has to do with an important magical discovery." Doc Brown raised his eyebrow.

"You're not saying you believe in _magic_?" Morwen gave Doc Brown a disgusted look.

"I assure you, magic is real." The Doc shook his head.

"Everything can be explained by science.

"If this was what you needed me for, it was right for you to interrupt me," said Telemain, resulting in much yowling from the cats. He looked at the Doc who stared stubbornly back.

"Very well, this will take some work. I will need the use of my house." Telemain walked back to the impossible door.

"Come here and I'll explain the physics of magic. Morwen, don't interrupt me." The Doc looked at the door sceptically.

"If you really expect me to believe that that door leads somewhere other than your backyard…"

"Try it and see," said Morwen irritably. The Doc stood up, and giving Marty a pitying glance, strode straight through the door.

"GREAT SCOTT!" Morwen closed the door.

"There. If that doesn't persuade him, Telemain will eventually. Would you like some more cider?" Marty looked uncomprehendingly at his nearly empty glass.

"Oh! Yes, please." Morwen poured him some more cider, then sat across from him with her own glass.

"You never told me what your name was." Morwen said suddenly.

"It's Marty."

"Ah. So, Marty, will you explain what your friend…"

"Doc Brown."

"…Doc Brown was trying to say? Or you can just tell me how you got here," she continued, seeing the blank look on Marty's face. Marty decided to make his explanation as simple as possible to a woman who had obviously never heard of electricity.

"Well, it all started when the Doc built…"

"I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE IMPOSSIBLE!" screamed the Doc from behind the door.

"Pardon?"

"The Doc built a time machine but he needed, um, a certain kind energy to power it which he stole from some people and they came after him and… and… killed him, and tried to kill me and I…"

"Sorry, they killed him?!"

"They killed the future him, that's the past him."

"But how did you meet the past him? Via the time machine?"

"Well, I used the time machine to get away from the people and went back in time by accident. Then I found him so he could help me get home. Because the time machine had run out of power." Marty wondered whether to include the part about his mother falling in love with him, and the fact that he might, at any moment, cease to exist, but decided against it.

"Then the Doc had some sort of premonition and did something to the time machine, and, well, we're here."

"But hadn't the time machine run out of energy?"

"Yeah… I really don't know. The Doc's strange."

"Ah." They sat for a while, sipping their cider, with nothing else to say. Suddenly, the impossible door flew open.

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Yeah! Whoo! I'm finished typing. Now to type up the fourth chapter. /sobs/ Ah well. Anyhoo, I used the description of Telemain's 'open knee-length black vest' in there because Patricia C. Wrede seems to like it so much. Whenever a new character meets him, it's described in exactly the same way. So I felt obliged to do the same. Now, for the list of books, movies and television shows that I have given away plottage away for so far. At least, I think I've given away plottage for them. It's so hard to remember. Also, so you can read them yourself. Hooray!

Back to the Future, movie

The Enchanted Forest Quartet, book, by Patricia C. Wrede

Chrestomanci series, book, by Diana Wynne Jones

Howl's Moving Castle, book, by Diana Wynne Jones

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, book, by C. S. Lewis

The Lioness Quartet, book, by Tamora Pierce

The Immortals Quartet, book, by Tamora Pierce

Monty Python's Flying Circus, TV show

Monty Python and The Quest For the Holy Grail, movie

Jeeves Series, book, by PG Wodehouse

A Wrinkle in Time, book, by Madeleine L'Engle

Circle of Magic Quartet, book, by Tamora Pierce

Archer's Goon, book, by Diana Wynne Jones

Pirates of the Caribbean, movie

There you have it. So tune in 'til next time when I might even update in a month! Yeah! See ya!


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